Thursday, September 15, 2011

End of that chapter.

Hello everyone,

I know its been a while,  but not as long as the last while.........

Update on the baby.  He didnt make it.  He passed on Sept. 5. 
He did spend one night off of the machines,  long enough for his mommy to hold him one last time. Then his heart rate dropped, his temperature dropped, his breathing slowed, and his mommy made the difficult decision to just let him pass on to Heaven.
While the kid was in the hospital, I communicated more with the old family than I have in the past ......oh,say....13 years.  Mostly through facebook, and text messages,  with a few phone calls....As I said,  I kept in touch with this one ex-sister in law, and the rest,  I pretended to  put out of my mind.  

THAT  book was a sad and awful book, so I try to keep it burried at the back of the bookshelf if you get what Im saying.....

I avoided going to the hospital,  for one,  Ive had enough death in the past year or so to last me for quite a while, and I didnt want the vision of that baby on machines to stay with me always. 

Now the funeral is tomorrow. And suddenly THAT book has made its way front and center.....
They had a car wash and a yard sale last weekend, and I chickened out of both. I played with the thought of going to one or the other, but then I decided that I was not ready to open that can of worms.... As I have no idea how a meeting with any of them would play out...I have been going back and forth whether or not I want to go to the funeral.  I really do want to show my support for the ex-sister in law, and ex niece in law,  but in going to the funeral,  I will also see all the other ex-in-laws.  INCLUDING THE SPERM DONOR.  Not so sure if a funeral is the time and place for such a reunion.
But then God provided an out for me!!  My son got a job, and his hours are exactly the same time as the funeral.  So either my option is to let him take my car, and Im stranded with no ride, or drop him off, and not be able to be in both spots at once.  And it IS his first day on the job, so I guess I know what I gotta do. 
Kinda glad that decision was taken out of my hands!!
I was kinda being sucked back in.  I was seeing the good side of the exes, and it kinda made me miss being around them.  And truth be told, a couple of them would LOVE the opportunity to suck me back in so they could screw me up all over again............
Thank God common sense kicked in and reminded me that THAT book had an ending.  Why oh why would I want to add another chapter, when the original ending was an ultimately  happy ending... And I should just leave well enough alone.  The one thing I have learned that I do regret, is that in blocking most of them out,  I blocked out most of the old nieces and nephews.  Ive got to see a couple of them, and Im truly sorry that my kids didnt get to grow up with them,  theyve turned out pretty good, and I think my kids missed out on something.
Well, thats what I got,  Im kinda dwindling on energy right now.  Maybe I'll come back later with something a little more upbeat


  1. (((hugs))) i hope the next chapter is a happier one. :(

  2. Funerals are such an emotional place to begin with, it probably isn't a bad idea to keep the old emotions out of the mix. However, I did opt to go to my ex FIL's funeral and it was surprisingly welcomed and appreciated.

  3. So sorry to hear about the baby. {hugs}

    Funerals are wretched things. I think I might make a vow to never go to another one. Thankfully my parents feel the same way and they don't want one.

    Keeping you in my thoughts.


Go ahead, tell me what your thinking.........