Friday, September 16, 2011

This is the hour

Rest in Peace beautiful baby.
Right now its 11:00 the start time of the funeral.
My heart breaks, cause I know that the minute that poor girl sees her baby lying in that box,  it becomes real.
I know she has known,  but the casket, flowers, condolences, ceremony,  its the official start of her grieving.  No more busy details to keep her busy,  the visitors will slowly stop showing up,  her brain will be less occupied.  

My heart breaks.
I tossed and turned all night long deciding whether or not to go.  My "out" was stolen by the hubby who decided to take the day off, therefore would be able to take the kid to work.  No more excuse for me not to go.
I thought that it was a sign, that I should go, so I decided that I would go.  Make a quick appearance, let them know I was there, then sneak out the proverbial back door.......but as soon as I made that decision,  I lost all ability to concentrate, sleep, and pretty much couldnt eat.
The minute I decided that I would go, I lost all sense of peace.
Showing up,  at least in my head,  would say to them that I have opened the doors back up. Showing up might be taken as I have put out the welcome mat, and they may show up,  and Im not sure what the hubby would say about that.  I also do not want to be responsible for adding any further drama to the situation. 
OR maybe Im just chicken.  Its a funeral for a 3 month old. Is there anything sadder than a baby funeral???
 Ive dealt with enough lately, and part of me might just see this as the straw that broke the camels back. 
I talked to my ex sister in law, who thankfully completely understands my decision to not show up. 
I knew there was a reason why I kept in touch with her!!


  1. (((hugs))) don't feel bad about not going. you have a tenuous connection with the family, and i am positive that they will have plenty of support during this horrible time. i think it is enough that they know you are thinking about them. when it comes to something that you can't change, in the end you need to do what's best for you, because ultimately, your presence won't change anything. (((hugs)))

  2. Rest in peace, baby boy.

    And, Choleesa, don't you dare feel guilty about not going.

  3. Bless you an all those in pain over this loss. You are in my parayers


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