Thursday, August 2, 2012

Life, death, and hunger

Im dying.
Not literally,  not yet anyways.

I HATE having diabetes.  HATE IT!!!

I feel defective.
Like my body is a back stabbing bitch.

Most days,  I live life like its not an issue....which is bad,  because I eat as much as I want and whatever I want.
I take my meds,  but I dont test, because  Fuck Diabetes..........I am not going to be a slave to it. 
(I know,  stupid ass attitude to take,  but ignorance is bliss - usually)

I guess it has caught up to me, cause i have not been feeling  well for a few weeks now.
I have  been constantly on edge,  I feel nervous, shaky,  and very very aggressive, extremely tired and I feel the depression trying to kick in.
I have nasty bags under my eyes, constant headaches,  and I have been getting really bad leg cramps at night.

I finally broke down and tested my blood sugars two days ago,  and man,  what a shock that was.
So I am now obsessed with testing.   And when reading my results,  I get upset.
Of course stress raises your glucose levels,  so the readings would get higher,  I would get more upset, and so on and so forth.

I tested myself yesterday after a lunch of an extremely small bowl of  vegetable soup that left me disgustingly hungry, and I couldnt believe what I saw.

It was so high in fact,  that I thought (with an extreme amount of relief)  that my machine HAD TO BE BROKEN.
I asked my husband to let me test his sugar, and his was half of what mine was.......... (bummer,  damn machine is ok.)
He spent the remainder of the day and all last night, checking on me, asking me how I felt.......insisting that I go to the doctors....he was scared,  which in turn scared me.
I hid in my room and cried.  I felt so helpless, and angry,  but mostly helpless,  and I HATE feeling helpless.

Why dont I go to the doctors???????  cause Ive already seen this show:

Doctor:  have you been eating right,  taking your meds, and exercising??

Choleesa: " Ive been taking my meds"


Doctor:  "you need to watch what you eat,  and more importantly  EXERCISE"


Choleesa:  "I know..."


Doctor: "why havent you been coming in every three months?"


Choleesa: "because I know Im not doing what Im supposed to, so I put it off until after I start doing what Im supposed to,  only I dont do what Im supposed to, so I keep putting it off"

 
Doctor:  "Its your life,  I can only make suggestions"


So I have been eating the way the diabetic dietician told me to.......mind you, it has only been since yesterday............but it feels like a fucking lifetime.

I AM STARVING!!!

Who the hell can live off of 1200 calories a day????  (Example:  1 candy bar has 360 calories..... I know this because I just found a candy bar that I had stashed in my drawer,  and it screams to me like a needle to a heroin addict)

For breakfast, I had an egg,  half a waffle with peanut butter instead of syrup and coffee.... snack  I had half a carrot (cause they are high in sugar) and half a stalk of celery.  Lunch,  a small ass salad.....and Ive been drinking water all day.

Did I mention I was fucking hungry??? 

If you listen closely, you can HEAR my stomach growl.

Did I mention that being hungry makes me cranky................

9 comments:

  1. I don't know that much about diabetes, but if salad is okay to eat, can't you eat a bigger salad? And if you can eat peanut butter, could you snack on peanut butter and crackers? See, I don't no much, but I'd say eat more of the stuff that's okay. I do know they don't want you to be overweight, but, you still have to eat.

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  2. As Ms. A said, I don't know much about diabetes, but I'm thinking you shouldn't be going hungry.

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    Replies
    1. 1200-1500 calories a day is the recommended daily calorie intake for diabetics...... :(

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  3. :-(

    Not nice - sadly about accepting it isn't it... you do need to move to acceptance on this stuff. I had terrible debilitating vertigo attacks, the docs said it was Migraine related and possibly diet related. I thought I knew best on both fronts and didn't do what I was told. Now I'm a lot lot better (ok not totally!) but my problem is much better ...

    Follow the advice... :-)

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  4. Hang in there girl, you'll start feeling better,then go back to your normal ways.

    I may have to get my wife tested for diabetes. She is agressive, cranky, and on edge all the time. Nah.....it can't be diabetes because hers does not fluctuate with sugar intake....(kidding)

    Take care of yourself.

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  5. After years of never having any kind of problem, my blood pressure has soared!!

    I asked the dr why he thought this happened...

    "I don't know... weight gain"

    Nope... I weigh the same... all of that nonsense.

    He prescribed blood pressure meds and keeps tinkering with it, hoping to get my blood pressure acceptable.

    I don't like this approach to medicine.

    I hope your situation improves...

    ~shoes~

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  6. I thought the same as Ms. A- eat a big ole salad? Instead of a creamy dressing, go the olive oil/vinegar route? You should also be able to curb your hunger with super foods like beans, grains, fat free yogurt (the greek style keeps me full), berries!

    This sucks to see you're going thru. :(

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  7. I'm afraid my weight gain and general sitting on ass lifestyle will lead to type 2.
    I'm attempting to adjust my lifestyle, portion control and water intake but the whole process makes me yearn for my early twenties, when I snorted most "meals", danced till I dropped and portion control meant not running out of my stash.

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  8. eventually, your stomach will shrink so you feel more comfortable consuming less food. it's hard at first, but i promise it's worth it in the end. my husband's aunt went blind many, many years because she refused to take proper care of her diabetes. she died recently after both her legs went gangrenous. (ewwww) please, please take proper care of yourself... trust me, it's worth it!

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