Friday, October 19, 2012

today...........love

A friend asked me a question,  "how many times have you been in love?"

Man, is THAT a loaded question or what??

I would have to say 4 times. 

Real love,  not that puppy dog shit,  not straight out lust,  but real true love.

4 times.

Is that alot??
Is that not enough??

Is there REALLY such a thing as a "ONE TRUE LOVE"?

I once thought so,  but then that was when I was dumb enough to think everything was black and white. 

Now - there is ALOT of grey

I sometimes feel like I have been screwed when it comes to the love department. 
I mean really 4 times?? 
But other times,  I feel lucky... I have gotten the pleasure of falling in love 4 times....
I guess it goes back to that perspective thing.

I will call them:  Naive love,  rebound love,  crazy love, painful love.

I took something away from all four of them. 

Naive love,  aside from all the painful lessons I learned,  I walked away with two beautiful children.  I walked away knowing that the only acknowledgment he even deserves from me is that he donated some sperm. 
That is all he now rates in my world. 
I was naive to think that I could live a healthy, happy life in that toxic environment. 
That man spent our time together making me believe I was nothing, no one,  and ugly.  He made me believe I was LUCKY that he even wanted me.  He told me what I could wear,  how to wear it, where I could and could not go, and who I could and could not talk to....he forbade me to wear makeup and hairspray......ASSHOLE.   The way he told me I looked good???  "your not wearing that shit, go change." 
ASSHOLE.

Rebound Love made it easier to walk away from Naive love.......  Rebound Love told me I was pretty.

Crazy love,  wow......
no one wanted me with him. 
He didnt bring much to the table as far as stability is concerned,  but DAMN,  I learned how sexy I could be - from him. 
He was a DAMN good time!!
He gave me some serious confidence,  and taught me a trick or two.  (wink wink)
I have NEVER liked myself better than I did when I was with him.
I have never been truer to myself then when I was with him...

He also "learned" me in the way of guitars.......
too bad he wasnt quite ready to grow up.
I guess he was who I needed - when I needed him.
So I walked away from him, with a pair of fuck me boots, and a serious sway to my walk.
And a better appreciation for my "girls" and what a good bra can do for them....
sigh.........

thanks Crazy Love.

And Painful Love....he's the worst. I once believed he was my soul mate.  I thought that he was the "great" love of my life....
A constant presence .....showing up whenever he suspected I was happy....showing up long enough to throw the proverbial monkey wrench into the works....then walking away .........
From him I got strength. 
It took all I had to cut him out and not look back,  to ignore the mind games he tried to play,  and to ignore the pleas of desperation. 
I mean come on,  us women are suckers for a good promise. 
Show me a little attention,  act like you care, pretend you want to know everything about me,  and I will spread eagle - quick like.
So I guess I gained the most from him. 

He was the one who taught me that a man will tell you exactly what you want to hear if it will get him what he wants...

I married rebound love.
He loved me enough to make the "lifetime" commitment that the other three wouldnt make.

Rebound Love,  from him I learn patience...on a daily basis. 
Its a slow and painful process...but he aint dead yet,  so I must be learning.

2 comments:

  1. Weird. I couldn't sleep last night and I was reviewing my Loves in my head.

    I think being open to Love and the lessons it teaches us is the whole point of being on this shitty little rock. Four times, forty times, whatever, it's your journey, right?

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  2. Wow... what a long post.

    I think it's interesting that you have a special identity for the 'four loves' you have had in your Life.

    You seem to understand that we are to take/learn something from the relationships that we enter.

    'Crazy Love' seemed to have made a change in your Life. You say you liked yourself a great deal with him... that you developed confidence with him... and that he made you feel sexy. How wonderful those things are!

    Patience is a great thing to have learned from one of them as well.

    I have no idea what Love is. I thought I knew once. At one time, I thought maybe there was a One-Time shot at true happiness with another. Now, I think I wrong about that. I think that there are more opportunities for us to have and experience Love.

    We just have to be open to it, and recognize it when it's available to us.

    Great post.

    ~shoes~

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