Friday, April 19, 2013

any head shrinks read me???


Im gonna write this post in anger...
Im hoping that in writing, I will have an epiphany/breakthrough...something.....
I am unreasonably angry with something.

I will admit is completely self inflicted, cause I went out in search of something....KNOWING I wouldnt like what I found, and still I went and looked.....

I went and looked at my deadbeat baby daddy's facebook page.

Facebook actually suggested him as "someone I might know"  Can you believe that shit?? Facebook is smarter than I thought.

Apparently he is now married (quite recently) ....with a new daughter
















He told me I wasnt worth marrying.
I was a hot little 16 year old wasnt I??


He hasnt seen his 17 year old daughter in 14 years.... (she is the spitting image of his family)

So my anger.....I dont know. 
I want to say Im angry on behalf of my kids....
but they arent angry....they feel complete indifference towards him.

I talk shit because he has a facebook, and both my kids have a facebook,  but he has NEVER even tried to contact them.....
I would spit nails if he did,  but Im spitting nails that he doesnt....
I dont want him anywhere near them,  but Im so pissed that he doesnt want to be near them.
I say what kind of asshole completely walks away from two such special, beautiful, perfect kids...
but I know they are as wonderful  as they are because I banned him from their lives....

Maybe its the child in me that wants him to see that I am still the same size I was BEFORE he knocked me up at 16 years old,  completely ruining my childhood, and robbing me of important developmental milestones that every teen girl should have  and then walking out of my life leaving me to fend for myself and his two children without any help whatsoever........ As opposed to the woman who is quite literally three of me that he now calls wife. I know I know,  completely childish and uncalled for....

I obviously have alot of anger,  and I do not know WHY.
Maybe there is a part of me that still wonders why WE werent worth marrying and sticking around for??

Maybe I didnt get the closure I needed...maybe Im immature and jealous??
I dont want this man,  I wouldnt go back with him...ever.......even if he became a bajillionaire,  regrew hair,  and begged me.....I wouldnt,  in fact,  there are days when I cannot even remember what I saw in him.

There are days when I am actually happy that he has another chance at life,  and I hope he's found peace from his demons,  and I wish him well....

Then there are days like today, when I say "how fucking dare he?"  "how the hell can he look in the mirror KNOWING he has completely abandoned two kids?"  "how can he look at this new daughter without even thinking of the other one he's left behind"
When this woman told him she was pregnant,  did he even think back to the times I told him I was pregnant?
Does he look at this new baby, and have flashbacks to the times he looked at his other babies?  Does he regret any of it?
Or are we completely forgotten in the past as if we never existed...

Im guessing it is my lack of closure on the matter,  or his lack of defense,  or his lack of effort,  or his lack of responsibility....

Maybe if he would have just said,  "fuck you and your kids" to me,  then I would have said,  "well, then" and moved on....but he didnt. 
He swore ever lasting love, and devotion to his kids.  He swore on his life that he would always fight me to keep them....He told me I could never keep his kids from him and whether I liked it or not,  he would ALWAYS be a part of their lives....then we didnt hear from him until he showed  up 2 years later - to introduce some new broad to MY kids as their new step mom....Oh yeah,  he did THAT. (she is not the woman he is now married to)

Yeah,  I know we are better - INFINITELY better without his presence in any of our lives.... but still.......why does he deserve another chance to be a father to another daughter??
What did he do to be blessed with another child?  He hasnt earned it,  he doesnt deserve it,  and his sperm should all shrivel up and die......taking the balls with them.  Mind you, Im not wishing death on him (not anymore as we wouldnt get any social security from him thanks to the new wife....but I used to,  oh yeah, there were days when I would wish painful slow death on him) just wishing death to his sperm.


Part of me wants to haul ass off to the district attorney and file for child support...
Why should this new daughter get anything from him when neither of my children got what they deserved from him??
I know this new kid didnt do anything wrong, and maybe this wife of his is an amazing woman  who makes him a better man, but why should this "new" family of his get the proper treatment??

I think my daughter came first,  so she should get first dibs on anything he has....

Yes,  anger,  extreme anger.....extremely childish anger....

Nope,  no insight,  no epiphany,  but tomorrow is another day,  and I wont be angry tomorrow....


Maybe I need therapy.

10 comments:

  1. Um...you DIDN'T file for child support ?? NAIL HIS ASS TO THE WALL !!

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  2. I ditto Heff's sentiment.

    Also, I understand your anger... and you have every right to be angry. That's a complicated situation. Hell, I still want to flaunt my smaller-than-it-was body to my douchy ex boyfriend who is now married to a woman twice my size. (FB is the DEVIL) Shit like that takes time to work through... for what it's worth, good luck. :/

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  3. Anger steals the soul, kills the heart and dims the light to darkness.

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  4. It hurts to be rejected, any way you look at it. It's much easier to be the rejector, than the rejectee. You'd feel much different if you had been the one to wash your hands of him and walk away, instead of holding out hope it could be different.

    I used to get irate at stuff on MySpace. No way was I involving myself with Facebook.

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  5. Wow...that's a lot. Yes, I think you have every right to be angry. But, what does that anger accomplish? Not much. It doesn't hurt him, it only hurts you. And even though it's easier said than done, the best thing to do would be to forgive him and move on. Your kids are amazing because of YOU and the way you raised them. YOU get all the credit for that. And he is the one who is missing out.

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  6. I absolutely get and understand why you feel this way and where you anger is coming from.

    But Gigi (^) is right. That anger is only going to poison you from the inside out. You have to find a way to release it.

    Damn, she is fat. And how you gonna wear wedding white while holding your newborn? ; p

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  7. You feelings are justified. The fact that they go in several directions at once is normal. It means you cared. It means you have been hurt. It means a myriad of things.
    But. If these feelings come often rather than evey once in a while...therapy might help.
    I care.

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  8. sounds like that turd is best kept away from you and your kids.

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  9. It's because you seem to be the better person Cho. It appears you stepped up to the the plate when the curve ball of your first pregnancy was thrown to you.

    Think how lucky your daughter is to have you. In many cases where very young people have babies, neither one of the parents care. Instead of being born into a crappy life, your daughter is lucky to have a mom like you.

    And yeah, I would expect child support. I would think deadbeat dads would feel guilty enough to want that, even if they don't have the balls to face their child. I don't understand. If she's 17, you need to hurry with the process, if you choose to attempt it.

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  10. Yes you were and still are hot. Maybe the reason of your sugar levels going up and down so drastically is all that anger you have been experiencing. Chill out and forget about him.

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Go ahead, tell me what your thinking.........