Monday, September 23, 2013

18 years & counting

I was pretty sure I had told this story before,  but alas,  I cannot find it in the past posts,  so I guess Ill retell it.

Its been 18 years to the day!  and some details are a little fuzzy,  what with 18 years having passed by.

I was supposed to be going to the hospital with my best friend, to deliver my second baby.  It was scheduled, they were going to induce me, cause I was absolutely miserable, and could no longer stand to be carrying that human inside of me.

She calls to tell me she has a serious cold, and cannot go with me,  "call them and reschedule" she says....oh SURE!!!  Ill just delay the end of my misery until your nose stops running.

I have to bite the bullet, and call the sperm donor.  I dont want his drugged up ass to go with me,  but even less, I want to go it alone.

He shows up on time......miracle of all miracles...he probably never even went to sleep the night before.

I get to the hospital, they check me in,  I get in that gawd-awful backless robe, and  settle into the bed.  They rub "cream" on my soften it, and see if that gets the contractions started. 

Sperm donor tells me "im going to the cafeteria to get a soda,  want anything?"  I say "no, but hurry".

1 1/2 hours later,  Im still alone, and now Im contractions to keep me busy,  no "dad" to keep me company.

I get up to go look for him.  I found a door and went out it,  only to find that it left me out in the hallway, with no way back in.....

Angry, lost, and feeling a huge draft on my ass,  I wandered around forever until I found the way back in...  mumbling and cursing,  and threatening death to the air.

As I return to the room,  I am informed by Nurse Ratchet, that she was about to call security to look for me.
And about 10 minutes after that,  in walks the donor....only to sit in a chair,  and fall asleep, almost instantly....

oh, yeah,  this was gonna be fun.....

The doctor comes in, tells me I have not progressed at all.....hooks me up to an IV,  and gives me something to get the contractions going..."he would be back in a while to give me something for the pain....once the pain starts" A little Demoral sounds REALLY good about now.

Well,  he got things going all right.....I had maybe three contractions....and then my water broke....and then all hell broke loose. 

Once my water had broken....(odd term....water breaking)  the contractions just slammed me.  One right after the other....feeling like it was just one HUGE contraction. 

I know child birth is supposed to hurt,  but you are also supposed to get a break between contractions....and I was not getting that break,  my whole body was contracting me into a little ball....

after throwing my little pitcher of ice at Donor made his self useful and got Nurse Ratchet,  who informed me I was over reacting.....after a few choice words from my arsenal, I find out that bitch she has no children,  but she KNOWS it cannot be hurting enough for me to be making the spectacle Im making...

Now,  before I continue this little story,  its important that you KNOW that I am deathly afraid of being paralyzed. 
When I was pregnant with my first child, I made sure the donor knew without a doubt, that I would NOT be having an epidural for that exact reason.  We had hours worth of conversations about how I would rather bear the pain, than risk the paralysis....and with that first kid, thats EXACTLY what I did,  I bore the pain...

But with this second kid,  I literally thought I was splitting in two,  and begged for the epidural.....funny how THAT snapped the donor into action.  He went out found ANOTHER nurse, without any flying objects to propel him  told her there was something seriously wrong.  She comes in, I beg her to please kill me    she has pity,  tells me she is calling the doctor and the anesthesiologist to come help me.  The 
anesthesiologist arrives first and tells me  he has to wait on the doctor before he can proceed.

The doctor arrives,  takes a peek under the sheet,  his face changes, and he tells me,  "whatever you do,  DO NOT PUSH
"why?!?  whats wrong?!"   he says  "your baby's head is partially out."

As they ran me by the nurses station in a mission to make sure my baby didn't deliver itself all over the hallway floor,  I spot Nurse Ratchet...lets just say that I said words in combinations that made the whole world stop mid-rotation.....
"I told you bitch,  SOMETHING is wrong."

In the delivery room,  I meet yet another doctor,  (apparently, my rather quick progression from no contractions to "babys head is squeezing out"  threw everyones schedule off whack.)  I squeeze my kid out,  waiting for the magical words..." Its a_____ "  only those words didn't come....instead, I heard........ "she's hemorrhaging"

Just friggen great!  cause my day so far hadnt been bad enough? 

In my head,  I figure, If im gonna die,  Im gonna die knowing what kind of fruit I had just born/borne/bourn??.....

"is it a girl or not?"

"yes,  I thought you already knew" 

Im kinda fuzzy at this point, what with all the blood loss,  but someone walked her over, and the words out of my mouth before I blacked out.......

"oh my GOD!!! she looks like your mother!"

within a couple of weeks she outgrew that ugliness.......and became the most beautiful little bald baby ever....

Fast Forward 18 years, she is one of my two favorite people on the planet......

that world became complete.


  1. I understand! If my fourth child had been my first child, I might not have had anymore. My (fourth) labor was awful. Thank goodness my daughter isn't... most of the time.

  2. let me guess.. I'M your 'other' favorite person, right?

    one of these days im gonna have to tell MY stork story...


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